I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
