I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life is so much better after having sex.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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