the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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