It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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