I wish I could teleport
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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