I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
