I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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