the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my sisters under your porch take her home
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
