I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
