My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
time to smoke my breakfast
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
