Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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