there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
