Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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