piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize