Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
