my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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