I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
