It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
