omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
