i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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