I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.