I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
