i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
