don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I sprained my soul last night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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