You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
