i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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