My liver just broke up with me...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
