im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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