i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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