Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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