woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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