wanna go halves on a baby?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
