I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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