Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
