i barfeds in our rink
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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