So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch