beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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