I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
