There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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