I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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