Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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