my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
home. puking in laundry basket.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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