JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
