Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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