Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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