If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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