You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
