just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
