I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
