I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
