He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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