Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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