i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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