Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
