Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
