can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
