I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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